


cherry wine

by selectiveyellow



Series: red wine [1]
Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Cheating, F/F, Femslash, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-08
Updated: 2016-11-08
Packaged: 2018-08-29 20:05:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8503579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/selectiveyellow/pseuds/selectiveyellow
Summary: Izzie has bags under her eyes that weren’t there hours ago and Lexie brushes her thumb against them before she can stop herself. It’s a gesture with much more intimacy in it than she has any right to feel, but Izzie doesn’t pull away.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place through "Stairway to Heaven" and the night Izzie realizes she's sick, and up until "I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked." Semi-AU where Lexie and Marks are friends before they start to date, Izzie and Alex are dating from the start.
> 
> ("****" are episode/day changes, "***" happen within the same episode/day)

 

Lexie’s sprawled out on Meredith’s couch clutching a bottle of wine that she can’t be bothered to pour into her glass by the time Izzie catches her. She sees Izzie do a double take, then another, and bounce in place as she debates approaching in a way that looks very George-like. She was probably looking for Alex or Meredith, who as far as Lexie knows weren’t home.

Finally Izzie steps towards her, knees hitting the opposite arm of the couch, and Lexie pretends not to notice that she almost walked away - not that Lexie could blame her. Seeing one of her best friend’s half-sister having a pity party on said friend’s couch and drinking straight from the bottle couldn’t be a pretty sight. Izzie doesn’t join her, simply looks at her with what Lexie can’t tell is curiosity or contempt and suddenly Lexie wishes that Izzie had just left her alone.

Then again, Izzie sort of looks like she could use a drink herself.

“Okay. What’s wrong?”

Lexie places the bottle on the coffee table in an attempt to look less like the pathetic intern she’s sure Izzie sees her as, which she can’t help blurting out. “I know everyone thinks we’re the worst. No one says it, of course they don’t, but I know they think it. I can’t believe I did such a stupid thing. I-I...I should feel lucky that none of us were fired but maybe that would have been better than being treated like the dumbest batch of interns Seattle Grace has ever seen.” She grabs the bottle again, doesn’t really care what anyone might think of her right now, but pours the next drink into a glass to keep some dignity anyway. “Which I guess we easily could be.”

“Lexie,” Izzie stops her. Lexie blanks at being referred to by her name instead of a nickname or a number and she sets her glass down without taking a drink. “That was weeks ago.”

“I still haven’t touched a scalpel since then.”

Izzie bobs her head like she can’t commit to a nod and folds her arms, hip digging into the fabric of the couch. “Stop beating yourself up and learn from it. Interns do dumb things all the time.”

“Like cutting each other open?”

“Like cutting LVAD wires to get a patient his heart transplant.”

Lexie leans back in surprise. All of them had heard the story from one source or another, but most of it was gossip. She knew who Denny was at any rate, knew about his death, but it wasn’t something anyone in the house talked about, not with her at least, and certainly not from Izzie herself. Izzie finally rounds the couch and sits; not next to her, but close enough to grab the bottle and pour a drink for herself. “I’m not proud of it. And I don’t like talking about it,” she adds when Lexie opens her mouth. She shuts it with a clack, and Izzie sips from her glass in silence for a moment, her gaze drifting away. “I was out of the OR for months and I worked my ass off getting back. So learn from it.”

Lexie acknowledges the advice – and the agreement not to talk about Denny - with a nod, but it doesn’t do much to curb her complaints. “I’d love to learn _something_ these days,” she mutters, and Izzie sorta chuckles because they work at the same hospital and she knows what it’s like (or maybe she just thinks the Interns can’t learn anything). “A-and you know what else... _completely_ sucks? Th—" She stops, biting her lip as if she can take back her words, thinking she’s gone too far. She can’t talk so frankly with a Resident. She wasn’t even sure if Izzie considered her a friend, or as just Meredith’s sister – or worse, as Alex’s ex – but she was still sitting with her, so that was a good sign.

When Lexie doesn’t continue, Izzie leans forward a bit and actually laughs and there’s still a small sense that she’s laughing _at_ her but the sound is pleasantly surprising regardless. “Fine. I’ll be a...your  ‘person’ for about two minutes. Then I’m out of here.”

Lexie looks at her tentatively, because she’s heard Meredith call Yang ‘her person’ plenty of times, but couldn’t figure out what that meant now. Izzie watches her over her drink, waiting, and with a jolt Lexie realizes she’s being given the chance to talk – not as an Intern to a Resident or as a friend’s sister, but as a person to another person who gets it – and frustrations burst from her before she can stop it. About being just a number (“That’s just Cristina, don’t take it personally. You know about 007, right?”) and how she’s learning so little that she had to resort to suturing on herself. About how now she can’t be trusted to do the very thing she loves, not sure she even trusts herself anymore because of it. And about how she still feels guilty that Meredith and Yang were fighting because of something she did.

Two minutes turn into what could easily be two hours and after letting their guards down neither of them notice. Izzie shares stories of similar feelings during her time as an Intern, and Lexie hears for the first time about ‘Dr. Model’ and how Izzie had to deal with patients and other Interns treating her as incompetent. She doesn’t specifically mention Denny again, but she describes – in the kind of details that doctors can’t help and Lexie hangs on every word – how she got herself back into the OR by drilling holes into a man’s skull on the day the ferry boat crashed (“My sister almost _what_?!”). Lexie feels a kinship for the first time and eventually her complaining turns into general conversation about hospital life.

She’d never take the chance to talk so openly if she’d been sober. Perhaps if she had been, she would have had the nerve to point out the distracted look in Izzie’s eyes and asked what was bothering her. Instead she enjoys the feeling of both of them letting go, enjoys the way Izzie is actually smiling at her, so glad she is for some show of sympathy and actual friendliness. She lets herself get lost in their talk and their drinking and forgets about the night she cut open one of her sister’s friends and hopes that Izzie is forgetting whatever is plaguing her too, hopes she can at least offer her that.

She enjoys it so much that when they make it up to her makeshift room in the attic, Lexie doesn’t think anything of it.

“Ugh I hate this room. There’s, um, boxed up Christmas decorations everywhere.”

Izzie grins, simply says, “I love Christmas,” and kisses her; Lexie stops thinking altogether.

It starts slow but quickly turns heated and suddenly Izzie is pushing her hand under Lexie’s shirt and her mind takes so long to realize this is actually happening that she completely misses that Izzie is speaking.

“- during an appendectomy?”

She zeroes in and focuses on the word more than anything, more than the feeling of lips and hands and fingertips, but can’t make sense of it. “W-what?”

Izzie wrenches away and for a second Lexie forgets they’re in her bedroom and thinks she’s going to be scolded for not paying attention – but then her shirt is being pulled up and off and Izzie leans in and repeats, “What position should the patient be in during an appendectomy?”

She almost says ‘on their back’ before she remembers she’s a doctor. “Su-supine?”

“Good.”

It’s simple praise for an even simpler answer and she’s still not sure what’s happening but Lexie feels herself flush in pride anyway. And then again for an entirely different reason when Izzie cups her face and kisses her again, pulling Lexie with her as she walks backwards to the bed like this wasn’t the first time they’d done this, like this wasn’t the first time she’d been in this room. She sits, hooks her fingers through Lexie’s belt loops, tugs, and the movement brings Lexie down on her lap. Izzie asks another question and her voice brushes against Lexie’s ear, causing her to shiver.

“At which point should you make your first incision?”

She suddenly gets it and feels her heart thud in her chest. She initiates a kiss for the first time since they entered the room and Izzie braces herself against the bed to keep steady – and Lexie holds back a laugh because she knows this. “One-third of the way from the Anterior Superior Iliac Spine to the umbilicus.”

She recites it out of the textbook in her head and Izzie picks up on it right away and laughs lightly. “Lexipedia.”

“Hush.”

“What is this point called?”

Lexie has to take a moment to think because Izzie hands are moving over her back and sides and distractingly close to her bra, nails trailing against her skin in way that’s deliberate and almost playful. “The..the McBurney’s point.”

“Good.”

Izzie sounds breathless so close to her ear and Lexie shivers again; hands push under her bra and cup her breasts and Lexie surges forward. She pulls Izzie’s shirt over her head, pushing her down. Izzie rolls them over and somewhere along the way bras and pants hit the floor and her hands end up tangled in Izzie’s hair. Izzie props herself up on an elbow and poses her next question, hand moving lower, passed Lexie’s waist, passed her hips. She learns very quickly that if she chooses not to answer, Izzie’s hand stills and her grin turns as frustratingly cheeky as her teasing.

It’s surprisingly effective and Lexie feels way more turned on by the whole thing than she would probably ever admit.

They continue this way, Izzie prompting her for answers and walking her through the procedure that had recently caused her so much turmoil with touches and strokes that Lexie struggles to ignore so she can think. She fights each answer through a pant or a groan and when Izzie leans down – after her final answer on proper suturing that was really more moan than words – and whispers “Nicely done, Dr. Grey,” in time with the curl of her fingers, Lexie completely comes undone. She stifles her gasp and any more sounds she makes against Izzie’s shoulder, and Izzie holds her until she comes back down and her shuddering stops.

When she catches her breath, Lexie jokingly whispers, “If I’d known you could teach me like that, I would have complained to you ages ago,” and Izzie’s laugh drifts over her skin.

She wakes up in the middle of the night alone and feels a strange sense of both disappointment and relief, and the wine tastes sour on her tongue.

****

For two people that live together, Lexie is surprised at how easily they manage to avoid each other but she runs into Izzie alone eventually, and she debates on if she should bring up what happened. Izzie throws her a smile, or probably a grimace, and nothing else but Lexie takes it as the acknowledgment she needs.

“Hey,” Izzie says as she passes and Lexie can see she’s headed somewhere – the Clinic, she realizes – and Lexie doesn’t really want to talk about this at work but she also _really wants to talk about it_ so she pulls her aside in an empty hallway and tries her best not to make it awkward.

“Um, so. About the other night.” Izzie glances at her and looks guilty and Lexie thinks she might apologize. “I know, I know but I need to tell _someone_. I hate keeping secrets! They make me sick.”

Izzie laughs then and it sounds charming and regretful. “Well...” She chews on her lip and is silent for so long Lexie thinks she’ll just walk away. Which would probably be a good call. She has more to lose if word got around, and Lexie wonders for the first time why Izzie hasn’t mentioned Alex yet. “Tell Mark. You two are friends right? Anyway, I have an idea for you and the interns; it’ll be good, I promise.” She doesn’t see the blush sprouting on Lexie’s cheeks at that and turns to leave. “I’ll see you later?”

Lexie doesn’t press for any more than that, and she watches Izzie leave with a smile.

***

She tells Mark and when he grins at her like its Christmas morning she immediately wishes she hadn’t.

“Don’t make fun, this is serious!” she demands and just manages to avoid stomping her foot right there on the floor of the supply closet.

“I’m not making fun,” he insists, holding his hands out in front of him. But his huge smile gives him away and in spite of herself she smiles a little too, brushing at her cheeks to hide her blush. “Tell me everything.”

Lexie smacks him on the arm and Mark pretends it hurts. “Don’t be gross. I’ll tell you ‘everything’ if you give me advice. You can do that, right?”

“Fine, sure. So what’s the problem?”

She whips her head around and looks at him like he’s crazy. “ _The problem?_ She’s with _Alex_. I can’t tell my sister because she might tell him, but Izzie won’t talk about it an-and…and I don’t know what to do!”

“Didn’t you...you’ve slept with Karev; you used to be a thing, right? And now…you had a thing with his girlfriend?”

Lexie throws her hands up at that, feeling at her wits end; he’s way too calm talking about this. “See my _problem?_ ”

He leans back and regards her for a moment and she’s pleased to see he’s taking her seriously. “I guess there’s nothing you can do. Karev is more her issue than yours, so let her deal with it. I heard from Derek she’s been acting strange lately so maybe they’re having troubles, who knows.”

She feels physically jolted at the mention of Derek and worries Izzie took a gamble advising her to go to Mark. Then she thinks that Mark truly was the best person to tell, in spite of his best friend dating her sister. He’s technically been in her position before. And, honestly, he didn’t really care about the gossip in Meredith’s house enough to tell Derek anything, and if he did, Lexie wondered if Derek cared enough either, as he wasn’t on close terms with Izzie or Alex. And would probably just be glad that it wasn’t Mark (They tried once but nothing came of it afterwards; but that didn’t stop rumors.)

“If it happens again, you might have a problem on your hands, but for now..?” It was still a problem regardless but he finishes with a shrug, then gives her a look. “So are you...like, battin’ for the other team now, too?”

“N-no, no, I don’t think so.” Lexie is not interested in having that conversation, deciding now that perhaps the only reason Izzie chose Mark was for the much simpler reason being he’d care more about the girl on girl action than the drama of an affair.

“So it was bad, huh?”

“No!” Too defensive. “ I-I mean, it just wasn’t like that, okay?” She was flustered now and could tell he wanted to laugh or call Callie and that made her blush more. Still, she felt better now that someone knew. “I guess I just...forget it happened. We were just letting off some steam, right?”

“What’s she got to be worried about?”

It was as close to gossip as he was going to get and Lexie shrugs. “I don’t know, she never said. Something was up, but I didn’t get to ask before…” she trails off, gesturing nonsense in the air like that would reconstruct what happened.

Mark nods at her and she can see the grin fighting to break out on his face. She pretends to heave a heavy sign, as if recounting the story she promised was a weight he was reliving her of. Lips turning up at the corner, because she really is glad to be sharing, she turns to him.

“It started after too much wine…”

***

She talks to Callie in the bar that night, but leaves when she realizes Callie is having her own problems that Lexie can’t help her with. She meets Izzie and Alex back at home, and she awkwardly tries to sit and talk with them like everything is normal. Izzie fills the silence with talk about her day with the Interns and the Clinic and Alex shakes his head while Lexie hides her smiles behind her hand whenever Izzie catches her eye with a grin.

Meredith walks in holding a rose petal and then they’re talking about Derek and Lexie immediately relaxes.

****

Lexie wears the huge homemade champion ribbon like it’s an actual medal.

She doesn’t _have_ to wear it home, but she wants to because she’s still riding the high from scrubbing in and holding the Doomsday Sucker (Lexie couldn’t even bring herself to feel embarrassed being on the same surgery as the man whose girlfriend she had a one night stand with because she was _holding the Doomsday Sucker_ ).

Meredith greets her sort of pleasantly, sort of solemnly, and tells her Sadie is leaving (Lexie can’t really bring herself to be sad - they were sort of friends, sure, but mostly she still imagined Sadie’s appendix when looking at her, so maybe that was for the best) then quirks a grin and gestures to the ribbon sitting around her neck. “Have fun?”

“Oh, uh…I was gonna take it off but I wanted to rub it in Steve’s face.” She laughs nervously, grips her hands around the ribbon as if to hide it. It was only really half true.

Meredith gives her a look that’s almost sisterly and Lexie feels less embarrassed. “Well, you did a good job. Sorry I missed all the fun –“ she didn’t sound all that sorry “- but it’s nice to see someone looking out for you lot.”

Lexie holds the ribbon out and stares at it for a moment. “I should thank her. I should thank her, right?”

“Might as well; it’s not every day you get to hold the Doomsday Sucker.”

Lexie feels a little proud that Derek told her. Meredith starts to head down to her room but pauses when Lexie calls out to her. “Are you alright? About Sadie, I mean.”

Meredith shrugs and Lexie can’t read her sister as much as she likes but the sense of finality is clear. “We’ve made our choices. She’ll be fine.”

Lexie nods and Meredith disappears to her room, leaving her alone outside of Izzie’s door.

She takes a deep breath, nervous for reasons she’s not sure of and reasons she’s very aware of, glad her sister left in time to avoid seeing her like this and asking questions, and knocks a few light taps against the door. A beat passes before it opens and Lexie has a second to think ‘ _this won’t be too awkward’_ before Izzie yanks her inside and she’s stumbling over her words and her feet and she hears the door slam behind her.

Izzie sighs in what sounds like relief and leans against the door. “Hi,” she says simply, almost cheerfully, when Lexie catches herself and stands straight.

Lexie blinks, still feeling unsure but manages a slight smile. “Hi.”

“Figured it was you or Mer,” Izzie shrugs, pushing away and plopping down on her bed. “I knew you weren’t Alex. He has more of a pound than a knock.”

“Oh...sorry?”

Izzie shakes her head, blonde hair flowing around her shoulders, and crosses her legs. “I’m...avoiding him. He keeps looking at me with sad eyes and asking me what’s wrong and I can’t _take_ it anymore.” She looks away and Lexie debates on if _she_ should ask about it and risk the answer being ‘us.’ Izzie looks back and grins when she finally sees the ribbon and Lexie doesn’t get the chance to ask as the moment passes. “So what’s up? Why’re you still wearing that?”

Lexie places her hand over her heart and over the ribbon. “Oh! I just...I wanted to say thank you. For today. For... teaching us, for making everything. George told me you made everything yourself, came up with it all. You didn’t - you didn’t have to do that, but I feel so much better and...” She feels silly now, and pulls the ribbon off, smiling in embarrassment. “I’m not gonna wear this all night,” she adds but she holds the item close anyway. “I um...thank you.”

Izzie is blushing and Lexie tries really hard not to think it looks pretty. “Well it was a little selfish – I wanted you guys to have some fun, but I also needed it. So,” she tilts her head and smiles. “Thank you, too.”

Lexie nods, thinking for a moment that she could leave now - as she had never been in Izzie’s room this long before, or at all really, and she could be wearing out her welcome - but she doesn’t. Tentatively, Lexie sits next to her on the bed. “A- _Are_ you okay? I mean, I don’t want to ask what’s wrong but...”

Leaning back on her arms, Izzie sighs, looking up at the ceiling. “I’m _fine._ Really. It’s silly that people are worrying about me…”

She doesn’t sound at all sure and Lexie tries to catch her eye. “Well, we’re doctors. It’s what we do, right?”

Izzie doesn’t answer and Lexie busies herself by staring at the ribbon still clutched in her hand, thinking about being handed small insights into a patient’s problems and having to figure out what was wrong and wonders if she had a right to pry into Izzie’s. If she wasn’t telling Alex…Maybe she wouldn’t tell anyone, and in the end forcing her to say anything wasn’t what would help her.

She stands, touches Izzie’s arm. “Wait a second,” she says and leaves, heading to the kitchen. She returns with two shallow glasses of wine – no full bottles this time – and manages not to run into anyone on the way. Alex might have been avoiding Izzie too. She enters the room with a small knock, lets herself in. Izzie looks at her curiously as she turns, then smiles gratefully as she takes her glass like she’s accepting a peace offering.

She sees Izzie’s fingers flutter in the air for a moment and her movement looks oddly controlled, but like everything else, Lexie decides she won’t mention it.

They perch on the side of Izzie’s bed and sit in silence as they sip, the questions lingering in the air put aside for another time that might not come. Eventually they start to make small talk and Lexie decides the safest subject would be Derek’s surgery. Izzie seems content to sit back and let her give a rambled play by play of the surgery and throw more ‘thank yous’ her way, asking questions now and then and laughing with her when Lexie repeats how Derek had teased her. It’s surprisingly comfortable and Lexie hopes her company is some form of help, even if both their work and personal relationship were typically lukewarm at best. Minus the one night.

“You know,” Izzie says, once Lexie gets to the end of the surgery, “I told Alex all of you will be great doctors someday.”

Lexie holds back a snort but can’t help a bit of a smirk. “Bet he didn’t believe you.”

Izzie smiles and collects their empty glasses, reaching over to dump them on her end table. “Doesn’t matter. I saw it today. You’ll be a great doctor.”

She hears the ‘you’ instead of the ‘you all’ loud and clear. She really isn’t sure what it is about that sentiment or the look on Izzie’s face, but for some reason she feels a laugh bubble in her chest or maybe it’s another emotion entirely that she refuses to think about. But Izzie looks so proud and almost affectionate, so different than the way things are at work and at home, and she feels the ribbon sitting like an obvious weight on her lap.

She hears Mark’s voice telling her ‘ _if it happens again you’ll have a problem’_ and she agrees wholeheartedly that she was about to have a problem.

Not stopping to think, she reaches out to cup Izzie’s face and kiss her. They hadn’t had nearly enough wine to claim a lapse in judgement and she expects without alcohol to blame this won’t end well. So when Izzie kisses her back, Lexie is very glad that she’s already sitting when her knees go weak with what she assures herself is surprise.

Lexie shifts closer and before she can do anything else Izzie’s grip on her tightens and when she stands Lexie is pulled with her, the ribbon fluttering to the floor. She finds herself moving backwards and then she’s pressed against the door. Her head spins and she pulls back to breathe, to think, and Izzie looks down at her, hand on the door knob, breathing just as hard as she is. She strains to listen for any noise beyond the door, any sign of their roommates in the hallways, but the house is quiet.

She thinks for a second time that she should leave, and realizes with the way Izzie is looking at her that she’s being given the chance to. Lexie could leave, could open her mouth and apologize, do anything other than what they’re about to do, but instead she reaches behind her and locks the door herself. The click sounds loud in the quiet room. Lexie reaches over with one hand and flicks the light switch off, and with the other she threads her fingers through Izzie’s hair and kisses her.

She kisses Izzie with an eagerness that surprises herself, and her heart races when Izzie pulls Lexie’s hair free from its ponytail and her fingers tangle in it as it falls. Leaning back, Lexie catches Izzie’s eye in the light filtering in from the window and in a move much like their time in her room, she pushes Izzie’s backwards onto the bed and straddles her lap.

Lexie clutches Izzie’s shirt and pulls it over her head, and Izzie does the same for hers while scooting them backwards to lean against the pillows. It isn’t an extremely graceful action with Lexie’s weight on her lap, and they both end up laughing and shushing each other to keep their voices down. She sees Izzie’s hand linger in the air for a second longer than expected before it lands on Lexie’s cheek and Lexie feels a sense of concern and, inexplicably, tenderness at the action. She leans down and kisses Izzie again, feels Izzie’s chuckle against her lips before it turns into a sigh and her heart skips a beat at the sound.

Gently Lexie pushes until Izzie is laying on her back, and she pulls the sheets over them. Her fingers mark a trail down Izzie’s body that she follows with her lips and tongue; she moves low and Izzie’s fingers grip her hair, and she stays there until Izzie shudders against her and gasps, clear but muffled, practiced silence from stolen moments in on call rooms. She leans up, feeling just a bit smug until Izzie bites back a laugh and flips them over and kisses her slowly, almost lazily as she rests her weight on her. Her hand dips beneath the sheets, and she takes her time as if Lexie isn’t suddenly desperate for it and she thinks maybe Izzie is talking but all she can taste is the breath on her lips. She tips over the edge and is struck by the feeling of how different, how strangely affection, this feels from the last time, and Izzie’s mouth swallows her moan.

She lingers when it’s over, both naked and close under Izzie’s covers, and unexpectedly they talk.

“I’m sorry,” Izzie says, and Lexie shifts to look at her.

“Are you?”

Izzie props herself up on her elbow and looks down at her, taking Lexie’s hand and playing with her fingers. “I’m sorry I dragged you into this.”

“Are you sorry I’m here?”

Izzie is quiet then. “No,” she finally admits and her voice is heavy with guilt. Then she clears her throat and adds, “I _am_ sorry that I’m not as nice to you at work as I am in bed.”

Lexie laughs. “Most of you are nicer outside of work. Listen, Iz..” she bites her lip and threads her fingers through Izzie’s. “Are you and Alex having problems?”

Izzie sighs and opens her mouth to answer but nothing comes out. She sighs again, and buries her face in Lexie’s hair. “No.” Her voice chokes, and Lexie is desperate to ask her what’s going on but again she doesn’t, knowing she’d get no answer. Perhaps in truth, she doesn’t want to know. So she lets Izzie cry, let’s herself be there for her. She wasn’t naïve, had long ago realized Izzie was coping with something that for whatever reason Alex couldn’t help her with. It didn’t make it right, what they were doing, but maybe she was too selfish to stop it. She won’t admit that she found Izzie to be as much a source of comfort as Izzie found her.

Izzie falls asleep and Lexie quietly untangles herself, dresses and leaves the room, scooping up the handmade ribbon on the way out.

****

Meredith remarks to her in the morning that she’s glad she and Izzie are getting along but to keep it down next time. Lexie’s heart jumps to her throat before she realizes her sister thinks they were having a girls’ night without her; she laughs it off but it takes a long time for her heart to stop racing.

****

The Interns – spurred by their previous mistakes – take the time to research for themselves what could be wrong with Patient X, agreeing to regroup later. At least this way they couldn’t mix up results. Lexie throws herself headlong into the case, claims her spot on Meredith’s couch again clutching printed articles and journals instead of wine. Izzie lounges in the armchair next to her and watches her work, pleased to see they were finally taking a case seriously. She doesn’t answer when Lexie asks for a hint (even when she begs), just laughs and says she’s doing well and that’s really all the encouragement Lexie needs.

Meredith joins them, plopping down heavily and pulling some of the article’s closer. “Try this,” she offers after reading it over for only a moment, and Lexie takes it back with a grin.

Izzie lets out an indignant sound that Meredith simply returns with a shrug and a muffled smile. “Mer, don’t help them!”

“I honestly don’t have a clue what they’re doing.”

Derek joins them on the couch and stays there for three days.

***

Of course she tells Mark again after she’s taken the time to think. And while he’s not pleased with her, she isn’t surprised when he isn’t too disappointed.

“Now you _have_ to talk to Callie,” he says as soon as he’s done reminding her that she’s falling into trouble that she might not get out of. “Arizona has her thrown for a loop so she’d probably enjoy the talk.”

“ _I can’t_ ,” she tries her best not to snap, and sits down on the tiny bed in the room. Surely being found in an on-call room together wouldn’t help the rumors about them buzzing around the hospital, but right now Lexie couldn’t bring herself to care.

Mark has the good graces to dial back the lecture and sits next to her. “You know, you could always do what Callie did before she came out.”

She manages a small smile at that because she reads him like a book, and smacks him on the arm. “I know _who_ Callie did and nice try. I know about your dirty talk.” He shrugs, not denying it. Lexie sighs and changes tactics. “Honestly that’s the least of my worries right now, because you’re right. I’m asking for trouble but...other than you, I can’t tell anyone and risk it getting out. It’ll be all over the hospital in no time.” She grips her hair as she tries to process her thoughts. “Besides, Callie isn’t exactly Izzie’s biggest fan so I don’t think she’d be happy to hear about, you know…what we did. Twice.”

“And how do you feel about, uh- what you two are…” he coughs, “doing?”

She can tell he’s trying not too seem too interested but again she sees right through him and laughs. “Well I’m confused and guilty, for one. But I’ll tell you, it was...” She waits on purpose, pretending to think.

“Don’t leave me hanging, Lex.”

Lexie grins. “I don’t know what I expected but it’s… _good_. It was _sexy_ and _wanting_ , and almost sweet and – very attentive?” She wrinkles her nose as she realizes she’s tripping on her words. “Mark, I can’t explain it but it’s very good.” She remembers a little too late that she’s talking to someone she also had sex with and blushes. “I didn’t-I didn’t mean to compare, it’s not that you - !”

Mark laughs, stopping her ramble. “It’s fine,” he says simply. Then he looks at her oddly, lips quirked.

“What?” As if on cue her pager goes off and she tentatively checks it. “Oh, it’s Izzie. We’re still making progress with Patient X.” His expression doesn’t change. “ _What?_ ”

“Look at that smile. You like her.”

She startles and almost drops the pager, not expecting him to take it in that direction; she isn’t ready to voice anything about what she’s been feeling. “Sometimes, I think…” She thinks of Izzie and Alex, and can’t admit more than that. “Doesn’t matter. I’m a dirty mistress.”

“To a woman whose boyfriend is your ex.”

She stifles a groan against his arm. Mark pats her on the shoulder and stops teasing, sympathy from a man who slept with his best friend’s wife. “She that good?”

Unexpectedly laughing, Lexie shakes her head at him. “It’s not just that. We’re talking more. At work, at home. She’s teaching me, and then at home – ignoring the elephant in the room, we’re…comfortable.” She sighs and stares at him. “She got me a surgery.”

He watches her a moment before nudging her. “Go on, don’t leave your girl waiting.” She rolls her eyes and he grins. “Seriously, if you need to talk, you know where I am.” Lexie squeezes passed him, agreeing that she would and he adds, “and if you need anything _else_...”

“Don’t press your luck or I’ll switch to women completely.” But she kind of can’t resist giving him a quick kiss – nothing more than a peck, but he smiles anyway.

“I could live with that.”

***

She’s at least proud of herself for not joining the others as they mocked Patient X, for not joining in when they asked for a prize (never mind that she already won one) but she still feels guilty, still feels a weight of responsibility. She senses something bigger is going on and so she finds Izzie later and thanks her.

For a moment Lexie is selfishly relieved that Izzie isn’t mad at her when she poses her the question on breaking the news of a death sentence to a patient, and they discuss it like coworkers and (she hopes) like friends. She forgets she’s an Intern talking to her Resident, forgets the proper way to talk to patients, and lays out emotions she didn’t realize she had about the chances of surviving when the odds are against you because people die even when they aren’t.

Lexie doesn’t really mean to mention her mom but it still hurts some times.

Izzie looks at her for a moment and her smile is tiny and soft and strangely grateful and for whatever reason Lexie says exactly what she needs to hear. She whispers, “Thank you, Dr. Grey,” and Lexie ducks her head, turns to leave with a nod. Her hand is on the door knob when she’s stopped.

“Thank you, Lexie.”

She blinks, twists her head to look at Izzie, who takes a moment to pull her eyes away from the x-rays and glances at her almost shyly. A beat passes as they stare at each other before Lexie blushes, smiles back, and tries not to feel like something more important is passing between them and berates herself for feeling that way.

But she thinks about it for the rest of the night, even when she runs into Mark and he tells her to stop over thinking it. Even when she passes Alex in the hallway and she can’t meet his eyes. She thinks about it up until she meets Meredith back at home – then all she can think about is how much of a jerk her almost brother-in-law is, and really it’s hard to think about much else when you’re angry on your sister’s behalf.

She expects the soft knock on her door later in the night to be Meredith, maybe with more tequila or maybe with news that Derek called her. Instead it’s Izzie and Lexie can tell something is different and pulls her in without a word, shutting the door behind her. Izzie has bags under her eyes that weren’t there hours ago and Lexie brushes her thumb against them before she can stop herself. It’s a gesture with much more intimacy in it than she has any right to feel, but Izzie doesn’t pull away and almost seems to lean into it.

Sitting on the bed seems too forward considering the other night, so they stand in the middle of her room as Lexie waits.

“I’m sorry about your mom.”

That was pretty much the last thing Lexie expected to hear and she blanks in surprise. “M-my mom?”

Izzie looks at her straight on and Lexie forces herself not to look away. “A lot happened after she died but I don’t know if any of us ever acknowledged that you lost your mom. I’m sorry.”

Lexie clears her throat to cover up how badly she wants to tear up. “Thank you.” When she’s more confident that her emotions are in check, she places a hand on Izzie’s shoulder. “Iz, what else is wrong?”

Izzie gives her a cheeky look that clearly reads that Lexie saw right through her, and she feels a small sense of pride at seeing it, until she looks at Izzie’s tired eyes again. “Alex says they’re telling him he could be the future of the hospital.”

Lexie isn’t sure what the problem is there, and she pulls her hand away to start fidgeting with her fingers. “I heard he had a good day. That’s good, right?”

“He wants me there, in the future. With him.” Izzie takes Lexie’s hand and grips it and Lexie feels her heart freeze when Izzie’s expression turns confused. “But I don’t know if I… will be?”

Lexie decides sitting would be best now, implications be damned, and guides Izzie to her bed. She sits, and Lexie kneels down next to her. “Izzie - are you leaving Alex?”

Izzie shakes her head but doesn’t answer right away and Lexie can’t tell if that was a ‘no.’ The silence makes Lexie’s heart race and she hates that she can imagine Mark teasing her. Eventually Izzie speaks up, with another firmer shake of her head and a look that Lexie tries not to see as sympathy. “He says I could be there with him. If I stop wasting my time. With…crap and games, with…”

Lexie leans back on her knees. “With Patient X? But I...” she shrugs a shoulder and finishes, a little selfishly, “I appreciate it anyway.”

Izzie gives her a tiny smile. “I know you do, Lexie.”

Lexie wants to say more but Izzie looks at her with a sort of concentration that Lexie can’t read so she remains silent. Finally Izzie tugs her up until they’re both standing and touches Lexie’s cheek. Lexie feels her heart jump to her throat then drop to her stomach when Izzie looks at her sadly. She knows where this is going; Izzie had a chance to say she’d leave Alex and didn’t. “Izzie… I- I know. You should be there with him. We have to stop this, it’s not fair to –“

Izzie shuts her up with a kiss, stepping forward and crushing their lips together. Lexie’s heart pounds in her chest and she links her fingers behind Izzie’s neck, pulling her closer. It lingers despite the apparent need to end things, feels sweet and sad all at once. The urge to take a step backwards and move things to the bed directly behind them is all too tempting, but instead all Lexie wants to focus on is the feeling of Izzie’s lips moving against hers and the slightly troubling swell of emotions burning in her chest that she doesn’t deserve to feel.

Izzie pulls away and presses her forehead against Lexie’s. “I’m sorry,” she says, much like last time. “I can’t keep doing this to Alex; to you. I should have never put you in this position; you don’t deserve it.”

It’s the right thing to do but Lexie has to clear her throat to settle the lump there anyway; she can’t and she’s mad at herself for getting emotional. Homewreckers don’t get to be emotional. “You better not be a stranger,” she manages to say weakly.

Izzie nods with watery eyes and finally turns to leave, probably figured she’d do more damage staying any longer. She hovers for a moment when she reaches the door, looks back and simply says, “I’m so sorry.”

She leaves without another word and Lexie feels like she was apologizing for something that had nothing to do with sleeping together.

****

She sleeps with Mark again and, other than a quick moment where he hovers above her and asks if she wants him to “talk dirty” (she declines), they don’t mention Izzie.

He stays the night and Lexie takes comfort in sleeping next to someone who wasn’t someone else’s.

****

In spite of sort of agreeing to remain friendly, Lexie decides the best way to handle everything is to just keep her distance. To just avoid Izzie, and Alex especially, until she feels less guilty – and all her other emotions - about the whole thing.

So she stays away. She keeps quiet when Mark puts her and Izzie on his service together. She says nothing when Izzie steps in and shut down the Interns who mutter about Lexie being Mark’s favorite, confirming the rumors were still well alive (she manages to mouth a quick ‘thank you’ in Izzie’s direction, who nods back with a distracted look.) She stays away even when, later, Mark kicks Izzie out of their patient’s surgery; she can’t bring herself to talk to Izzie about it, but she calls Mark out. It doesn’t work.

“Listen, I get that you kinda dig her or whatever, but whatever Stevens is going through will not cross into my OR.” He places his hand on her shoulder. “Now are you okay, or will I have to find another Intern? Because you’re not gonna wanna miss this one and I’d hate to have you pass this up.”

Lexie takes the surgery. She stays away. They’re amicable enough around Dave, and that’s all that matters.

Hours later, hours after Dave’s surgery is finished and his new face looks beautiful, she finally learns why. Finally learns what was wrong with Izzie these past few weeks, what was wrong with her ever since they first shared that bottle of wine.

She hears it from Dr. Bailey, almost like an afterthought, when she asks why she can’t find her sister and why George took off running. She stands in shock, even after Dr. Bailey touches her arm and leaves. Lexie doesn’t run, doesn’t join her friends who are waiting in Izzie’s room. She waits and paces outside, gathering her thoughts. She waits until she hears Izzie urge everyone to go home, waits until Alex is the last one to leave the room, before stepping through the door.

“You have cancer.”

Izzie sits up completely and puts her weight on her elbows, resting on her knees as if she was just relaxing at home. She sighs and Lexie exhales sharply at the sound and she feels like she hadn’t taken a breath in hours. “I have cancer.”

The shock wears off and Lexie suddenly forgets how to handle things like a doctor. “You have _cancer_?!”

“Lexie –“

Lexie grips her hair and starts pacing again. “Did anyone know? Be-before now?”

Izzie gives her a look that’s way too patient for how obvious that question was. “No.”

“When did you find out?”

“Um, I-I...” Izzie stumbles there and bites her lip, looks down at the hospital sheets and picks at a loose thread. “I knew _something_ was wrong the night we uh - the first night we um…But I didn’t officially _know_ until a few days ago.”

Lexie nearly trips when she stops pacing and sits in a chair already pushed up next to Izzie’s bed – probably where Alex was sitting. “Y-you were Patient X?” Izzie chuckles softly and ducks her head and Lexie remembers the way the Interns had talked so rudely, and the conversation the two of them later had about surviving. “I’m so sorry.”

Izzie glances away. “I should have said something earlier. Cristina told everyone. I don’t know if I’d be here now if she hadn’t.”

“You told Cristina?” She doesn’t have a right to be angry but she feels the hurt bubbling in her chest anyway. “But you couldn’t tell me? O-or Alex?” she adds, feeling morally obligated to. Izzie sits up and leans forward, grabbing Lexie’s hand before she can stand or leave or start pacing again.

“I told Cristina because she’s _Cristina_.” Lexie manages a laugh at that because it’s all she needs to say. “You were the one who told me to fight. Remember? ‘Screw the odds,’ right?”

Lexie’s jaw goes slack and she can’t think of anything to say to that but Izzie looks at her fondly, and she feels her face heat up. Finally, a smile tugs on her lips and she bows her head. “O-oh…”

“I wanted to tell you all, but I couldn’t do it. I was too…You know me. Too emotional.”

She feels a little better, but she has to ask the question now nagging at her. “So what was I, what were…we? W-was I just a coping mechanism? Something to distract you?”

Izzie’s grip on her hand doesn’t loosen but her look turns stern. “What, like you were chugging down that wine because you were waiting for me to notice you?” Lexie blushes and purses her lips but can’t argue; Izzie scolds her look into something kinder. “I’m...I’m sorry I took advantage of you that night. We both needed someone and it just…escaladed.”

“You didn’t take advantage of me.” Lexie can’t meet her eye but her voice is much stronger than she expected and she’s proud of herself for at least that. “But you’re right. We were both just there. That doesn’t explain why it happened again.”

Izzie is quiet and when Lexie finally looks up, she sees Izzie gazing at the door. “No, it doesn’t.”

Too many beats pass as Lexie chews on that, feeling like her heart is too exposed on her sleeve. “Everything has felt so much… _warmer_ , since then.” It’s the best way she can describe the emotions she’s been ignoring, the strange confusion as to why they made a mistake not once but twice and why, in between, their relationship felt almost like a complete one eighty.  She wasn’t naïve enough to think she was full blown in love with her – even if Mark liked to imply she was – but she also wasn’t too proud to admit she was falling and the possibility was there and she hated not being able to see where it could go.

Izzie looks her straight in the eyes then and intertwines their fingers. “It has.”

It’s a simple sentence, not a confession of anything greater than acknowledging they both felt it too, but it’s enough and Lexie feels a huge sense of relief at hearing it. She figures it must be plain on her face when Izzie touches Lexie’s cheek with a suddenly teasing grin. “You Interns are so emotional,” she quips and when she pulls her hand away Lexie realizes she had tears on her cheek and she ends up sobbing and laughing at the same time. “I’m so sorry I hurt you, Lexie.”

She clears her throat, feels a lot calmer than she expected, but she has to keep wiping the tears from her eyes anyway. “We hurt Alex.”

“I did.”

“You love him.”

“I do.”

She starts nodding and takes a deep breath and folds her arms around herself. “If you tell him, I wouldn’t blame you.”

Izzie shakes her head. “I’ve hurt you both enough.” Lexie isn’t completely convinced that keeping it a secret would be best – she remembers the aftermath of George’s affair with Izzie all too clearly – but she won’t be the one to talk and she’s relieved anyway. It was hard enough looking at Alex and thinking she wanted not him, but his girlfriend.

She laughs at that thought, and then again at another. “God, I’m so selfish. I came in here to talk to you about your cancer, not about…”

“Oh god no, please distract me again,” Izzie says, leaning back against her pillows and gesturing in the air as if to bat away the words and Lexie laughs in spite of herself. “The last thing I want to think about is why I’m in this room. After today it’s gonna be all I can think about.”

Lexie really shouldn’t, but she tests her luck anyway. “Listen, seeing as I’m an Intern and I work long hours and all…” She rests her arms on Izzie’s mattress and tries to play it nonchalant but they both know she isn’t. “Do you want me to stay? Just-just until Alex comes back.”

Izzie visibly brightens and Lexie is instantly glad she asked. “That could be until morning, are you sure?”

Honestly she was convinced Alex would be entering the room any minute now. “He loves you - he won’t be long.” It must come out with a touch less kindness than she means to, and Izzie catches it, raises an eyebrow with a smile and Lexie wrinkles her nose. “Let’s just pretend I’m not a little bit insanely jealous of you two and I’ll forgive you for keeping the cancer a secret, okay?”

Izzie’s grin widens and she glances away. “I don’t deserve you.”

“You Residents – so emotional,” Lexie quirks, ignoring the way her heart picks up and her eyes sting.

Izzie smacks her on the arm, then immediately asks for details on David’s surgery that she missed, and Lexie can’t help smiling as she takes her through the steps in as much detail as Izzie asks for. The air shifts and their conflicted relationship and the thoughts of cancer fade away as they talk about their patient and at some point she ends up sitting closer, running her fingers through Izzie’s hair absentmindedly, because that’s what she likes when she’s sick.

They’re only interrupted twice; once by Bailey – who pokes her head in, then pretends to ignore that Lexie isn’t working – and again, all too soon, by Alex. They both smile when he enters – Lexie hates how forced her’s feels, though it quickly becomes more genuine when she sees the bags under his eyes and his obvious worry lines – and Izzie quickly squeezes her hand before letting go.

“Thanks Lex, I’ll take it from here,” he says after Izzie explains Lexie was keeping her company.

He says it simply and not at all unkindly; Lexie takes her leave with one last shared smile, and guilt and despair – _Izzie has cancer_ – gnaw at her stomach as she closes the door.

****

Lexie sticks to Mark’s side like glue, determined more than ever to keep her distance. It works, for the most part; she gives Izzie and Alex their space and she finds herself falling for Mark a little more each moment she spends with him. The concerning bubble of emotions in her chest when she thinks of Izzie eases as she holds Mark’s hand.

The day comes for Izzie’s first surgery and it passes much without her noticing. Mark attempts to convince her to visit, but she can’t. She catches sight of the group waiting during Izzie’s surgery - Alex, Meredith, Yang, her fellow Interns – but the heartbroken worry on Alex’s face keeps her away and she decides that’s better.

She didn’t for a minute think Izzie would spend the day alone, and when she piles into Izzie’s room behind Meredith and George and everyone else as they wait for her to wake up, she stops pretending that she doesn’t belong there with them.

****

Izzie throws everything she has into preparing Meredith’s wedding and it seems to work to distract her from her cancer, even if she’s pushing herself. Lexie weaves in and out of Izzie’s room with everyone else and the only time they spend alone is when Izzie shows her the bridesmaid dresses she picked out.

“Do you love it?” Izzie asks with a grin that’s way too bright and an attitude that’s way too excited for a patient in a hospital bed.

Meredith warned her about this and while she doesn’t love the dress, she’s too charmed to not at least try and be as excited. “It’s great, Iz.”

Izzie raises an eyebrow and settles back against her pillows, lips quirked. “Mark gonna be your date?”

Lexie smiles and she’s relieved at how easy it is. “Picked up on that, huh? Yeah, we’re going together. I mean, well, I’ll be up at the front, bridesmaid and all, but…yeah, we’re together.”

Izzie stops her rambling with a laugh. “Don’t be nervous, Lex, it’s gonna be perfect.”

Lexie nods, looks at Izzie sitting there with wedding magazines covering the sheets and the smell of catered chicken that Izzie can’t eat still lingering in the air, and Lexie kind of hates that she doesn’t want to look away.

Alex enters the room and Lexie sneaks out after shooting them both a smile, and squeezes passed Alex and a strange woman standing behind him.

****

Lexie doesn’t get to be a bridesmaid in the end due to the last minute change up and instead watches George walk Izzie down the aisle where Alex is waiting, with Meredith and Cristina at their side.

She knew it was coming – Meredith had come and found her and for a moment she panicked and thought Derek had walked out again – and it doesn’t hurt as much as she expected. Considering it had been weeks since anything happened between them and she was now happy with Mark, she’s not sure why it even hurts, just that little bit. Still when she clears her throat, Mark squeezes her hand and she feels relief from the pressure in her chest.

She listens to Alex’s vows, watches Alex and Izzie become husband and wife as she leans into Mark’s arm and she’s genuinely happy for them.  Even when they walk back down the aisle and Izzie catches her eye for all of a second, flower petals falling in her hair, Lexie just feels happy.

She thinks maybe Mark either knows better or is just that much of a perv about it and wants to hang onto something that Lexie wants to let go of, but he takes her home and offers to ‘paint her a picture’ of what it would be like if tonight was her wedding night with Izzie.

She only feels a little bit guilty, almost naughty, when she agrees and gets just one more night formed out of Mark’s voice and somehow it feels like closure.

****

Time passes and things change so monumentally she doesn’t feel anything.

Izzie dies in Alex’s arms. Dr. Webber brings her back.

George dies on the table.

He doesn’t come back.

Lexie doesn’t believe it at first – George _can’t_ die, right? – but it becomes true in moments. She was long since over her crush on him but she feels the loss of him as much as everyone else in the hospital.

Izzie’s the last to know and her grief rivals Callie’s.

***

The hospital heals from George’s death in various ways. Izzie and Alex move into Derek’s trailer in the woods, living as newlyweds as best they can, though Lexie hears that Alex is acting colder and colder.

Lexie finds distractions and comfort with Mark, and Clara, the patient who almost lost her arms. Everyday Clara gets better, and Lexie feels a little better herself. Her graduation from Intern to Resident passes much without notice.

Dr. Baily doesn’t seem to be handling her grief at all.

A day comes where Clara takes a turn for the worst but Owen saves her, and they continue trying to heal and for while that’s all Lexie can focus on. There are some nights she can’t bear to leave her and sits at the side of her bed, watching and waiting for the day this poor girl decides to call her mother.

Lexie founds out in passing that Izzie’s cancer treatment is going well and she’s glad. They don’t see much of each other though, and Lexie decides that’s for the best.

****

A few months go by; Izzie returns to work a little too early, Meredith gives their Dad part of her liver, Cristina scrambles to find a specialty that feels as good as Cardio, and George’s passing just isn’t as noticeable. Inevitably, the hospital merges with Mercy West. Izzie almost gets into a fight with a new girl named Reed over George’s locker and honestly Lexie would have probably paid to see it – which is exactly what she tells Izzie, who only looks a little bit embarrassed behind her cheeky grin.

Lexie, Izzie, Alex and Cristina spend the day fighting dirty to save their jobs.

She isn’t particularly proud of hurting April Kepner like that.

In the end Izzie is fired. She disappears, leaving behind a letter blaming Alex and nothing else, and Lexie goes home thinking about that smile.

****

They don’t hear from Izzie in weeks and Alex gets more and more desperate, which in turn becomes anger. Alex always handled his stress by becoming angry.

Mark tells her it’s okay if she’s upset and she realizes, if anything, she just misses her friend.

****

Lexie doesn’t get the chance to feel angry even if she wanted to when out of nowhere they find out Mark has a daughter.

An eighteen year old pregnant daughter.

As if things really needed to get worse, Mark invites her to live with them and they spend the holidays like a patchwork family held together with tape and glue.

Meredith hands her a Christmas card addressed to her with no return name, but when Lexie opens it, later in private, she knows instantly it’s from Izzie.

****

Mark chooses his daughter over her. In a way she understands; Mark has wanted a baby, a family, for as long as they’ve been dating.

But Lexie damn well doesn’t.

So she leaves him. She leaves him and runs back to Meredith’s house, steal’s Alex’s old room, not expecting him to show up that same night. He tells her to use Izzie’s old room, spitting her name out like his wife was just a bad roommate. The night she snuck out of that room with a crunched up ribbon in her hand flashes in her mind, and she snaps back at him.

Lexie realizes she’s not actually mad at Alex about the same time he does, and he sits next to her. He’s there, so she complains, wishes she could do something stupid like she’s supposed to at her age instead of feeling guilty for not wanting to be a grandmother at 24.

“I know something stupid you can do,” he says and it’s sort of sympathy, mostly matter of fact. She thinks of Izzie’s empty room just across the hall, and the irony of being in this situation hits her right in the chest.

She sleeps with him, and can’t bring herself to care. Until Meredith catches them the next morning, moments before Izzie comes home.

****

Lexie hovers in the kitchen, putting most of her weight against the counter to keep herself upright as she tries to feel apathetic to everything going on in her life, least the weight of it all knock her to the ground. She twirls a full glass of wine between her fingertips as she listens to Meredith beg Izzie to stay, thinking about the few different ‘we need to talk’ messages from Alex waiting on her phone.

Meredith even drops a _please_ but it isn’t enough and she stalks away to leave Izzie to pack, only shooting Lexie a quick glance on her way up the stairs. Lexie waits, trying not to care.

Eventually Izzie leaves her room with a suitcase wheeled behind her, head bowed, and she’s about at the door before their eyes meet. Lexie covers up her surprise when Izzie doesn’t turn tail and run by sipping her wine, one arm tucked around her torso because she hates the way she feels. Izzie steps forward and Lexie realizes they don’t want to leave things where they are, and sets her wine down with a clink.

“Alex knows,” she says, when Izzie stands in front of her, waiting.

Finally Izzie nods, and she looks angry but not as livid as a wife talking to the mistress should. “I know you slept with him. I figured it was fair to come clean too.”

Lexie cringes, asks, “So am I gonna lose the both of you?” then cringes again because that’s a little more vulnerable than she wants to be.

Izzie manages a laugh but it isn’t at all friendly. “Hmm, he was mad but he seems to think it was kind of hot. You’ll be fine. Let’s just say you weren’t the one he told to get out of his life.”

Lexie stares at her and before she can help it she feels her shoulders drop, feels that old emotion building in her chest. “You don’t have to leave, Iz. We can get through this.”

Izzie straightens and Lexie thinks she’ll turn and leave then, but instead she steps a little more into her space. “There’s nothing for me here. I have to start over.”

Lexie feels resentment clench at her heart and anger rises in her throat. She leans back, downing a little more of her drink to chase it away but it doesn’t help.  Izzie can see she hurt her and tries to speak but Lexie can’t focus on anything except how mad she feels that Izzie decided she was good enough for a few drunk times in bed then left her, or that Mark decided having a kid in his life was more important than having her, and she couldn’t change either of their minds, and she lashes out. “I’ve just been so _mad_. I want to be _so mad_ at you for leaving, but I can’t because I slept with your _husband_ – which I don’t even feel _that_ bad about because I slept with _you_ first!” She clears her throat, praying she doesn’t start crying. “You left all of us. You left Meredith, you left _me_ and I’m _so_ mad at you!”

Izzie’s look turns stern. “Lexie-”

“I almost _loved_ you!”

Her words shock herself into silence and Izzie immediately softens, all her rough edges and hard lines turn smooth, reaching out to grab her waist then touch her cheek. “Lex,” she says and it’s so hushed and almost tender it takes the wind right out of Lexie’s outburst. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I never should have done this to you.”

Lexie feels physically drained by her moods today, mixed with guilt that Izzie was suddenly showing her more kindness than she did to Meredith, and now that it was out in the open she suddenly can’t bring herself to hold it against her anymore, can’t bring herself to play the whose hurting worse game (the loser was her sister anyway, who, Lexie thinks, just wants to keep the closet thing she’s ever had to a family from falling apart any further) and she doesn’t want their last conversation to be a shouting match. She leans into Izzie’s touch, lets her forehead drop onto Izzie’s shoulder. “ _We_ shouldn’t have done it.” Lexie tilts her head, just a bit, closer to Izzie’s ear. “We might have been good though, huh, Patient X?”

She feels Izzie smile. “Maybe, Little Grey.” She pulls away to look her full on, tucks a lock of hair behind Lexie’s ear, and reality sets in. “But you deserve a lot better than someone who thinks they shouldn’t love you.”

There’s sort of a confession there that hangs in the air between them but Izzie doesn’t commit to it and Lexie doesn’t have the energy to acknowledge it. Izzie kisses her cheek, says she’s sorry one more time before turning away, and Lexie thinks if she begs just enough, says _please_ one more time to go along with Meredith’s, Izzie might turn back around.

But they’re both hurt more than they can bear right now and Lexie really doesn’t want to keep someone who doesn’t want to stay.

So she swallows the rest of her drink in one large swig, pushes away from the counter and meets Izzie at the door, tugs her forward and kisses her. Their lips crash together, hands grip at hips and tangle in hair, and she hopes Izzie can taste the wine on her lips and feel the ache in her chest. It isn’t as romantic as it could be, all thing considered, but it’s familiar and when Izzie sighs and pulls her forward - wraps her up with everything she has, for just a moment, completely guiltless - Lexie realizes how much she’s going to miss her.

Lexie finally pulls away, sees the ‘I’ll miss you too,’ on Izzie’s face and it’s enough. She turns on her heels and flees back into the kitchen without another word. It isn’t until the doors slams behind her that she lets herself cry.

When she’s calm, she pours another drink and waits on Meredith’s couch for Alex to come home.

****

****

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Izzie/Lexie is one of those rare pairings that came to mind years ago that I fell hard for and, to be honest, even with the crappy situations I put them through in this fic, it's actually my preferred ship on the show and I'd like to do more with it if I can. For all it's oddness, I hope you enjoyed.
> 
> I have a sequel in mind that takes place following the s6 finale and after, but for now this is just a oneshot. Thanks for reading!  
> ETA: whoa pause okay so I found out Hozier has a song called Cherry Wine that's about domestic abuse/toxic relationships, which, while an important subject to highlight, is not at all what this piece is named after. The source of the title is much less inspired lol.


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